how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize