It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
