I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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