Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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