There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
