apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
