Pappa wants mamma naked
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
