so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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