the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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