My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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