My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You're a waste of cheezeits
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
