The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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