Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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