Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
