I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
