HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
