Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
