just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
