Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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