apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
