I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
