somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
