ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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