the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I fill condoms, not promises.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
