Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize