hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
