can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
