it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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