Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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