I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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