i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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