So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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