omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
