I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
