Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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