the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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