i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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