Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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