Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we're making bets on your personal life
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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