Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
