We're like a lot better than the average bears
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
