Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
