Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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