my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
