Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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