I just pynch a tree in the face
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
