Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
