hotel room ftw
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
