I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
