Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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