Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
