my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
