Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
