I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
