yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
