I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
