We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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