I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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